Feeling a little urgh today.

Things aren't like before. We have no ongoing conversations anymore. W once told me it's super hard to talk to me because I am always the one replying and not initiating a conversation. Ever since I graduated, I have improved a lot, and now that I have started school, much more okay? I initiate small talks despite being an introvert & would rather not talk. 

But today, we just didn't have any conversation. It was awkward but well, I am constantly tryna think of topics to start, then I realized we have nothing much to talk about anymore. That distancing, for the sake of not wanting to sound so concerned for you and make myself that obvious, has distanced myself away from you. I have stopped saying "bojio" because I didn't wanna sound that close. I don't even know why. 

Then I question myself.... Is it just me lying to myself that I am trying to hold everything up there when there's nothing left or that I am letting go?

Never felt so demotivated until today. Feeling super down. Don't understand what my notes are saying. Worried for finals, coming in less than 3 weeks time. Lots to catch up but don't seem to have the time & perseverance to sit through hours of online lecture. Feeling tired but I know if I try to sleep, I get insomnia, and wake up late tomorrow & feel like my productivity is zero. Feeling hungry. Everything. 

Sending a distress message and getting a "last seen" is so urgh. FML, as I thought I could be happy by relying on my friends, because I know hanging out with my friends makes me happy. Guess not. I should be a loner again, feeling happy being alone. I still feel that I am that immature girl that don't think enough before doing things and letting emotions overwhelm me before I realize like "Oh hey actually your actions are kinda immature". Oh well... At least I realized it tho. But no more speaking up for my immature actions next time. Time to grow up and be independent for your own happiness, Wei Ting.